First of all, it’s important to understand that your ability to forgive someone often has little to do with that person or what they did. Merriam-Webster defines forgiveness as “to cease to feel resentment against an offender” or “to give up resentment of or claim to requital.” It’s an internal state of being, and it’s not dependent on anyone but you. The only person in control of your thoughts, feelings, and actions—and the only one who can make a shift occur—is you. I wasn’t a perfectionist, but I had a loud, harsh internal critic. In my mind, I endlessly repeated the cringeworthy moments that made me wish the floor would swallow me up whole. My sense of self sprung from a deep well of not good enough, regardless of external achievements. I wanted to be liked. I tended to argue for being “right,” and I held onto that like a life raft. Somehow, I missed the memo that always being right does not make people like you. Treating others with compassion and acceptance starts with being able to treat yourself that way first. Shame and vulnerability researcher Brené Brown’s research shows us there’s a connection between the ability to accept help and the ability to show compassion to others. When we can’t accept help or support from others because of our self-judgment (that we don’t deserve help, or that accepting help in some way is “weak”), then we’re creating a cognitive link between compassion and judgment. So, when we’re in the position to show compassion to someone else, there’s an underlying link of judgment. A thread that we don’t even recognize. And this gets in the way of practicing forgiveness to others. If we can’t unhook accepting help and judgment and can’t practice self-compassion, then we can’t get to forgiveness. In other words, your inability to accept other people’s mistakes and give them second chances stems from your own harsh judgments toward yourself. When you can’t be compassionate and forgiving toward yourself, you hold other people up to the same standards, and you stay stuck. We need self-compassion before we’re able to sustain being compassionate toward others. When it comes to self-forgiveness, then, you’re seeing yourself through two lenses—the lens of someone who has done something “wrong” and the lens of someone who has been hurt by an action. The opposite of forgiveness is also complex—it’s a mixture of anger, depression, and blame. But most of all, the opposite of forgiveness is stagnation. It’s getting mired in an emotional place regarding a particular incident, and it prohibits future growth and discovery. And more importantly, forgiveness (or the lack of) has the greatest impact on only one person—you. There’s a common saying: Not forgiving someone is like slowly poisoning yourself and secretly hoping the other person dies. When we think about this in terms of self-forgiveness, we’re both the perpetrator and the victim. From both perspectives, we’re creating a situation in which we’re causing harm to ourselves. Here are the practical steps you can use to move into forgiveness in the moment: H: honestly acknowledge your pain E: embrace the decision to move forward A: accept the situation and yourself with compassion L: let go of judgment Taking a few deep breaths and beginning to practice an attitude of kindness to ourselves also allows us to connect with others and frees up our thinking and emotions. We can integrate what we learn while practicing self-compassion into our interactions with others going forward and use our best decision-making process to avoid racking up grievances, grudges, and judgments toward others that serve no one. Consider this: A person’s worth is not attached to outcome. It’s not something you have to earn or to prove. Solely by being a human, we are worthy of love, care, and compassion—from ourselves and from others, toward ourselves and toward others. We are all human. We are all imperfect. We are all worthy. Hallett is also an executive coach, host of the Be Awesome podcast, and author of two books. She’s passionate about stress reduction and self-care. Access her free guide to being stress smart and becoming your own best friend.
