If you’re having sexual problems in your relationship, you are not alone. Some experts say 15 to 20 percent of married couples are currently in a sexless marriage. Many more have sex infrequently. Once sex becomes stressful or problematic, you may very well find yourself trapped in what I call the sexual avoidance cycle: an endless loop of disappointment, avoidance, and pressure. You can disrupt your disappointment if you broaden your definition of what sex is and what it’s for. If you believe that sex is defined by doing certain things with certain body parts, or if it’s focused on outcomes and orgasms, you have created limits to what will feel like success. Pleasure and connection are what matter in sex, not specific acts or results. If you take this looser and more playful approach to what “counts” as sex, you set up a scenario in which you cannot fail. Sexual avoidance happens to many couples over a life together. If you’ve been feeling stuck in that cycle of disappointment, avoidance, and pressure, there is a way to escape that again and reinvigorate your sex life. You can work together with your partner to challenge your ideas about sex, to communicate openly about what’s happening and what you want, and to share new physical experiences that lead you to connection and pleasure.
