It’s natural to want some control over life, yet we have to take care not to form a negative, obsessive relationship with control. Our mental, emotional, and physical health suffer when we use our precious energy to over-manage issues that are ultimately meaningless or essentially out of our control. Despite the truth that even the most tightly controlled life can be filled with anthills and hurricanes, our minds work overtime to convince us that the key to a safe, happy life lies in having certainty. Those who subscribe to this belief often over-regulate their internal and external worlds in the quest for safety. Sadly, a toxic cycle occurs when we believe we can—or should—be able to control all of the constantly moving targets that life presents. The more we strive for control, the greater our stress and anxiety grow; then, we respond by trying to control the uncontrollable, and the unproductive cycle continues. Even when we dot every “i” and cross every “t,” we too often wake up thinking, “If only I could control my diet, my work, my kids, my dog, my body, my age, my thoughts, my feelings, my living space, my relationship, my life, grocery prices, gas prices, climate change, politics, and natural disasters, life would be easy… I’d feel so much better.” We often don’t have the courage to admit the truth: We have much less control over our lives than we want to believe; we simply can’t control the thousands of variables that are part of being human. We are powerless over everything except our own feelings, thoughts, and actions. But what if acceptance of this powerlessness is the key to healthy balance and empowerment? What if the secret to outwitting the drive for control is to mindfully let go of the illusion of control so that you can breathe? As you learn to nonjudgmentally attend to the feelings that often trigger an urge for control, you won’t be at the mercy of your emotional world. For example, if you feel the urge to over-control a trip with friends, notice if you are motivated by anxiety that things might go awry or perhaps a fear of not pleasing everyone. Notice what you are thinking, such as, “If I don’t make sure this trip is perfect, my friends won’t think I’m on top of everything.” For example, if you find yourself trying to control your partner, simply pause and breathe. Then give yourself a kind comment such as, “Oh, these old habits are hard to shake, but I’m making progress. My partner’s just doing things their own way… It’s not harmful to me, so I’ll just smile and let it be.” The more you realize that your inner dictator is a small part of you—and a piece that you can control—the more you’ll be able to create a healthy balance between constructive and destructive control. Take care to journal in a free, noncritical way that allows you to practice not being in control. To remind yourself to let go of control, make plenty of space for random thoughts, spelling errors, and wild imaginings. Blending traditional psychotherapy with alternative mindfulness practices, Manly knows the importance of creating healthy balance, awareness, and positivity in life. Recognizing the need for greater somatic awareness in society, Dr. Manly has integrated components of mindfulness, meditation, and yoga into her private psychotherapy practice and public course offerings. Her psychotherapeutic model offers a highly personalized approach that focuses on discovering and understanding each individual’s unique needs and life-path goals.
