Cosmopolitan asked the 2,000 adults polled in SKYN Condoms’ newly released 2019 Intimacy Survey about the noises they made during sex. The report found 41 percent of women thought they were “too loud” during sex, as did 27 percent of men. Clinical sexologist and sex therapist Cyndi Darnell tells mbg that she more regularly encounters couples where the lack of noise is a problem, with one partner wishing the other would make more sounds during sex. “The complaint is they are stiff and lifeless and don’t move and don’t make any sound,” she says. “The silence means it’s hard to read what their partner is experiencing, and while it needn’t be a porno soundtrack, a little aural feedback is a great thing!” Indeed, sounds during sex are a way to communicate that you’re enjoying what you’re feeling and to signal to your partner that you want more of that. Moreover, grunting is usually a sign of physical exertion and happens somewhat naturally as a result of movement during sex, so if you’re not making any noise at all, you might be unknowingly holding your breath—which sex therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., says can actually make it harder to relax and get aroused. In other words, a little noise is a great thing. “Simply adding in gentle sighs and soft moans is plenty. It’s also helpful to remember communication during sex is the cornerstone of consent. So…frankly, sound is crucial,” Darnell says. “From a tantric perspective, sexual energy moves on sound, breath, and movement, so sound is essential to better and more fulfilling sex.” In another survey of over 5,000 people, 91 percent of men and 78 percent of women found moaning to be the hottest noise of all during sex, followed by dirty talk. The least popular? Silence. Just 8 percent of men and 13 percent of women felt excited by a quiet romp. That’s no good. “We fake it because of our misguided belief that we are sexual performers who have sex for our partner’s benefit rather than ours,” certified life and relationship coach Bez Stone writes at mbg. “It encourages your partner to keep touching in ways that don’t produce genuine pleasure. This leaves him in the dark, which doesn’t give either of you what you want.” Making noise during sex can definitely be a turn-on, adding fuel to both your and your partner’s fire. But it’s important that you’re not moaning just because you think that’s what you “should” do to be a good sex partner. Sounds are a way to communicate, so make sure you’re communicating accurate information. If it’s not really getting you there, convey that to your partner instead of covering it up with a howl. If you do like what you feel? Howl away! With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
