As doctor of clinical psychiatry Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy, previously wrote for mbg, “A toxic person is someone who regularly displays actions and behaviors that hurt others or otherwise negatively impact the lives of the people around them, and they’re usually the main instigating factor of a toxic relationship.” With that in mind, toxic friends are those people who claim to be your friend yet do things that actively harm you or your well-being. As psychotherapist Annette Nuñez, Ph.D., LMFT, puts it, a toxic person in your life (whether a friend, significant other, or family member) will do the opposite of bringing out your best self, eliciting negative feelings, tension, and more. “Of course, there’s a difference between being toxic and acting toxic,” Neo clarifies, explaining that for someone to be toxic, it’s become ingrained in their personality, and they actively enjoy hurting others. Anyone, however, can have the capacity to act toxic sometimes, she adds. And notably, a friend can be impacting you negatively even with the best of intentions, such as in the case of a codependent friendship. In other words, toxic friends are not always secretly horrible people, but their subtle behaviors and dynamics can still cause you harm. As Neo previously wrote for mbg, “We’re fundamentally copycats—we learn behaviors by modeling others, and sometimes we have the wrong role models. At other times, we run into a bad spate in life, get jaded, and see the world through a pessimistic lens. And so our toxic behaviors grow.” Whether it’s a defensive mechanism for self-preservation, an unhealthy preoccupation with competition and success, or this person simply lacks healthy examples of friendship, people will lean on the way they’ve always done things, and that includes toxic behavior. “If we grew up in a household where we saw unhealthy relationships, or around our friend group or in our community we saw unhealthy relationships as models, it’s easier to think that it’s normal, acceptable, or just the way things are,” relationship coach Shula Melamed, M.A., MPH, previously told mbg, adding, “It can also come from having lower self-esteem or a lower sense of self-worth and not understanding what a healthy relationship looks like.” And as therapist Alyssa “Lia” Mancao, LCSW, previously wrote for mbg, “Staying friends with someone only because there is history or because you feel guilty for leaving them is a recipe for burnout and resentment,” adding that staying in these dynamics can “prevent you from pursuing your dreams […] limit you from furthering yourself in life, [or you] find yourself falling back into old behaviors and patterns that you may have been trying to shed.” What’s important to remember, however, is that the onus is on us to determine what we’re willing to put up with. If you believe your friend is truly toxic, here’s how to deal with it. If you do manage to set boundaries that are then honored and respected, that’s a good sign that this person can take what you say to heart and make some necessary adjustments. If not, though, that would indicate it might be best to walk away. “Maybe your friendship turns into reaching out on the holidays, wishing them happy birthday, and you become acquaintances more than friends,” Nuñez says, adding that this is totally OK. As licensed marriage and family therapist Tiana Leeds, M.A., LMFT, previously told mbg, sometimes an outright friendship breakup isn’t necessary. “Ending the friendship may be as simple as no longer initiating contact or plans as frequently and allowing the connection to naturally fade,” noting that it can be helpful to instead focus on investing your time in friendships that feel fulfilling and mutual. “I’m a big believer in talking things out and just not ghosting people, but if you feel that the friend is going to really take it hard, you can let the friendship go naturally. Just saying no or, ‘I don’t have time or that’ because then it will naturally phase itself out,” Nuñez adds. Long story short? Toxic people may not take criticism or conflict well. You can try to amend the relationship if you think it’s salvageable, but if your “friend” is displaying a number of the aforementioned red flags, it may be in your best interest to simply distance yourself and allow the friendship to naturally fade. Here’s more on how to fix a toxic relationship if that’s the route you’d like to take. Otherwise, here’s our guide on how to break up with a friend.
